Member-only story
Who Am I Now?
The identity crisis of a recovering codependent in grief.
My whole life has been riddled with chaos and trauma.
Survival was the name of the game and my only goal was to make “through”. I grew up experiencing an unpredictable environment, never knowing if I would be hugged or hit. Everyone’s emotions, especially their anger, were my responsibility. I was molested at 4 and again at 14 (although I am still never sure if I should call the events at 14 molestation or assault). I began self-harming at 11 and miraculously made it this far in my life (we’ll just say past age 30) without a chemical addiction or an eating disorder.
Co-dependency was my drug of choice, and academic overachievement was my high.
Honestly, if it weren’t for the brains I was born with I don’t think I’d be able to type these words right now, because a more stereotypical trauma response would have already consumed me.
Academic achievement was (and is) easy for me and I have never deliberately CHOSEN to use it to gain approval, I’ve just always done what comes naturally.
But I was born smart, with an ability to understand things easily on an intellectual level, and quickly, almost concurrently, connect what I learned to EVERYTHING I had learned before…
