I really thought this year would be different; easier somehow. I thought time and healing would stop the pain, or at least make it more bearable. But I just feel alone, now more than ever.
This year around I feel like I’m the only one that still carries your memory, even though I know that’s not true.
For some reason I can’t stop longing for someone to understand my pain, to know exactly what it feels like to miss you.
But no one in this mortal realm can see me the way you do. No one else was there with me, in that moment, except you. I know you were there, having already resigned your spirit to the afterlife and accepted that your attempts to take it back were in vain. You were with me when I found you, finally able to see the full extent of the consequences of your choice but 100% helpless to fix it.
*You’ve got nothing else to say, no one wants to listen to the young window whine.
* Cue the intrusive thoughts…various voices in my head. Some old. Some new.
The shame I carry because I still miss you is immense.
I don’t feel like I have the right to miss you after everything I endured at your hands, controlled by alcohol.
Shouldn’t I be glad that it’s all over? Shouldn’t I be thankful that I can move on?
