I’ve often been encouraged by therapist’s to write stream-of-consciousness when I’m feeling something or some way that I can’t shake. Naming the emotions, musings, or drawings that come out of me. Here are my musings for the day, stream-of-consciousness, no editing, no filter. Enjoy.
I don’t want to be or try anymore.
I hate it here and want to go home.
Back to where it feels safe and I feel loved, where it’s not so scary. I don’t want to run anymore. I want to lie down and die.
To give up the race and quit chasing the high.
Mom, take me home, don’t leave me here where I’m tortured and laughed at, “Don’t you want me here?”
Who am I kidding? I know you don’t want me. You want what you can get from me and what if I can’t deliver?
What happens when I don’t have what you need? Is this why you leave me here?
I’m running out of steam. I can’t keep fighting like this. I need to let go.
Maybe when I fall I’ll end up somewhere over the rainbow where bluebirds fly and the air is sweet.
A place with no pain.
A place where no one weeps.
Does such a place exist? Not in this life.
That’s what today feels like.
Chasing rainbows that never end. Hoping beyond hope that things get better. Trying my damndest to make sure I win at this game we call life. The one with the inevitable end.
Will it never come? Will things always feel this way? I doubt it, but I’ll find out another day.
